'To be or not to be...'

Miscarriages can take you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. First you start with disbelief, then the unfairness of it, then you get angry at God (sometimes only temporarily) and think ‘Why me?’, then you start to doubt that you’ll ever be a mother, and then you can’t stop crying for the loss of your baby.

This happened to me this morning. (13th June 2006) This was my first baby, but my story started a few years ago…

My father died nearly in 2003, a few months after his death I had a dream about my baby. I always had a feeling that I am going to have a little girl one day, and always wanted to call her Elizabeth Jade after my Grandmother (Elizabeth Jane). In my dream I saw a little girl of about five years old, who looked very alike my youngest sister when she was that age. She spoke to me telepathically in the dream and said that she was my daughter, it was not time for her to come yet, but she would let me know when that time was. She said ‘my name is Jade’ – I felt that this was meant to be her first name not her middle name, as she said it very strongly (I’ve been told!) And then I woke up.

I felt very blessed to have been given this chance to connect with my daughter, to prepare myself for her arrival. Last year whilst on an Angel course in Glastonbury, we did a ‘baby walk’ where we all stood in front of the class, and the others would clairvoyantly ‘see’ how many balloons were around us at the time, which meant how many babies we were going to have. Just before this I knew that I wanted at least two children and had been thinking that I would maybe like a third too. The others in my class couldn’t decide whether there were two or three balloons around me, so we decided that two possibly three babies would come to me in this lifetime. While some of the others got possible dates of when to expect their babies, for some reason I didn’t – but a couple of months later, whilst meeting up with one of my friends from the course, she told me that she had seen three years as being the time I would have my first child. As I was at university at the time as a mature student, this fitted in with when I was going to finish my course, so I felt that was good timing.

In September last year, I took another Angel course, and the tutor said that although my friend had seen three years for me, it did not necessarily mean three years from then, it may mean that 2005 would be one year, 2006 the second and then giving birth in 2007. He saw me as getting pregnant fairly soon, and that the energy of the baby was very strong and that he too saw a little girl who would be a powerful being when she incarnated. This made me start to think more about being a mother and really looking forward to it. A month later I was at a Holistic Fair and one of the stallholders read my aura and gave me some healing. She said that she saw me having a baby in March, but didn’t say which March and needed to send myself healing to my sacral chakra first, which I have been doing ever since.

2006 - March came and went and I didn’t get pregnant, so I thought, well maybe I’ll be giving birth next March instead? In April this year I had really strong ovulation pains, and was almost worried that I was having an ectopic pregnancy as the pains were in my left side where my fallopian tubes are blocked. It passed after about 10 minutes and I went to work as planned. On the way to work I mentally asked Jade to please make sure that she was ready to come before incarnating, as I really didn’t want to have a miscarriage (who does?) and I suddenly had a strong vision of her as I had seen her in my dream, and she said ‘Don’t worry Mummy, everything’s going to be alright’. She was so real to me that I almost reached out to touch her, then I instantly felt calmer and able to let go of the situation.

In May my period came and went, and I drew the conclusion that I wasn’t pregnant. Then last week my period was due and didn’t show up. My period has never been more than three days late in all the twenty years of menstruating, so I began to think that maybe, there was a chance of me being pregnant. Even though I had the period in between, I knew that some of my friends had experienced this and had still been pregnant, so I decided to wait for about a week before testing.

Last Friday I did a test but it came back negative. I thought ‘perhaps it’s because I did it in the evening instead of the morning, when it might be a stronger reading?’ So I did it again the following morning, but still it said negative. I couldn’t remember exactly when I had ovulated last month, but vaguely remembered that I had some ‘kind of’ ovulation pains on Bank Holiday Monday, so I decided to wait a few more days and then if my period still hadn’t turned up to do another test. I decided that I was going to wait until Wednesday, and then test again. However, yesterday I got a strong urge to do a test, and when it said positive on the test, I nearly fell off the toilet in shock! I was so happy, I couldn’t believe that finally I was going to be a Mummy! I told my husband, my mother, my family and my friends on a forum that I belong to – everyone was so happy for me, it was wonderful!

The kind of test that I had used was digital and the result only stayed on there for an hour, and unfortunately my hubby got home from work after the test had turned itself off. He was really happy too and we went out for a meal to celebrate. I really wanted him to see the result too so after the meal I bought another digital kit, and did the test when we got home.

But for some reason this time it said ‘not pregnant’, I didn’t understand, I thought that maybe it was because I had been drinking a lot of water, and it had maybe diluted the result, so I decided to do it again the following morning. I got up this morning, and did the test again, but again it was negative. Thinking that it may be a faulty kit, I decided to do another one later in the morning as I was never usually up that early in the morning, so maybe it wouldn’t show until the time I normally got up.

I went back to bed, my hubby went off to work and when I got up a few hours later, I did the test again. Again, negative. Then I started bleeding heavily and realised that the niggly pains I had been feeling during the night were actually period pains, and that in the space of 24 hours I had miscarried the baby. I was devastated.