Failure to launch

The worst part when trying for a baby, is the feeling that you've failed as a woman. For some unknown reason, I seem to be able to conceive, I even manage to get as far as implantation, but after that... for some reason it all goes pearshaped and I miscarry instead.

Last month when I was convinced I was pregnant, I think it was very likely that I was. I think I had another miscarriage. I knew the exact moment I conceived, and I had implantation spotting about seven days after conception. I got all the same symptoms of pregnancy I had last time I was pregnant, and then it was all over too quickly again.

I feel like a failure, I feel that I'm not a 'real' woman if I can't carry a baby full term. I'm on the dreaded two week wait again, but I'm not feeling at all hopeful this month. I feel that I have let go of the outcome this month, handed it over to God and the Angels to take care of, I thought that if I did that then I would feel less stressed about it, but instead I feel even more down - and I can't stop crying.

People keep saying that I should let go of the situation and then it will happen when it's meant to. They also say I should stay positive as miracles are possible. But how can I stay positive and let go of the outcome at the same time? If I start thinking positively about it, I start getting my hopes up, once that happens I find it's even harder to fall when it doesn't happen yet again. On the other hand if I let go of the outcome and leave it to happen on it's own, I lose hope completely, and seriously wonder if I will ever be a mother.

I feel I can't talk about this to my friends and family, as I don't want to keep going on about it - and boring them. Some of my friends say I'm getting obsessed with getting pregnant. Well guess what? THAT'S WHAT WOMEN LIKE ME DO! We get obsessed, we get heartbroken every month when our period starts instead of having a positive test, we try not to get obsessed, to not think about it - but it's impossible, because wherever we go there is a baby in a pram, or a lady who is heavily pregnant and it just brings it all home to us that we're not.

One reason why I'm finding it more difficult at the moment is that Christmas is approaching, the decorations are up in most of the shops, the Christmas catalogues are out, but I don't want to think about Christmas, because when I do I remember that my baby was due on 27th December, I thought I was going to have a Christmas baby, but no, not this time.

I try and function normally, but I am so tired at the moment - why is this so difficult? I don't know what I'm meant to do, I'm trying not think about it, I'm keeping myself busy so that I don't think about where I am in my cycle, so that I don't think about the fact that my period may be due soon. I started to use progesterone cream last week, on the offchance that if by a miracle I am pregnant this month, that the extra progesterone would help the egg to implant and stay implanted, as I think that I may have a deficiency in progesterone and that's why the egg un-implants each month. So, keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and pray that I get the result I want this month. I'm off to get another box of tissues ...