Creation of Love

I had a wonderful dream last night, it was a strange mixed up dream but with one constant throughout. I saw figures in the dream of people I recognised, but I didn't see myself as human - more as an energy and I saw my hubby as the same. I knew it was him but we didn't look like us at all. The amazing part of this was that we were always connected somehow - it felt like we were holding hands all the time, but we had no hands. I know that sounds very strange, but I think that I was seeing our souls not our physical bodies. Various things were going on in the dream, like we were preparing for something or organising something. The most poignant part of the dream was the love I felt between us, like our energies were separate one minute but then combined the next. The feeling of love completely engulfed us, and it was an amazing feeling. At one point our souls combined, as though we were hugging each other, and we both said that we couldn't work out whether I was in him or he was in me, like our souls had combined into one. I felt his energy in me, and I felt that we had created a new energy out of our love for each other. I woke up still completely surrounded by this amazing feeling of unconditional love, and .... ovulation pains. I feel that we have conceived our baby.

Two week wait

This has to be the worst time of the month (except menstruation of course) when you're trying to conceive. The longest two weeks of your life. You try so hard to 'chill out' or 'just relax' about getting pregnant - as your friends who have no intention of having children themselves will point out to you again and again. How can they possibly understand what these two weeks feel like? I know that all I can do in this time is to relax, I know that the result is completely out of my hands at this point in time, but people who keep telling me to relax is NOT HELPING!

I know that they mean well, I know that they care that you are getting stressed out each month, or depressed because yet again your period has started. I just wish that they would at least try to understand what it feels like to be going through this. I am a fairly chilled out person, my whole motto in life is 'don't worry about it until you have to', which has served me well for most of my adult life. By worrying about it I am basically saying to the universe - I don't have this in my life - therefore the universe responds by saying 'you don't have this in your life'. But when you are like me and you see the bigger picture in regards to getting pregnant, all the wellwished comments do nothing but dent your confidence even further.

Not being judgemental here but, if you never want to have children, how can you possibly say that 'if you relax it will happen'? how do you know? You spend more time stressing about getting pregnant, and as Murphy's Law goes, you'd probably be the first one to get pregnant, because that's the last thing you wanted.

So instead of trying to give out (un)helpful advice about relaxing, 'it will happen when it's meant to', 'don't get yourself stressed out over it' - try thinking about it from your friends point of view; she's desperate to become a mother - yes that's right, desperate. That doesn't mean that she's lost her mind and will do something manic, it means that the only thing she wants to be right now is a Mother. There's nothing wrong in that, surely? I mean if women decided that they didn't want that anymore, then the future of this world would come to a screeching halt wouldn't it? Yes, it is natural when you have been trying for more than six months to get more anxious as each month passes with yet another negative test. Yes it is good that I can get pregnant by the fact that I managed it before, even if it did end in miscarriage. Yes I know that I am without a doubt boring you senseless by talking about babies and what new discovery I may have found that will help me conceive, and yes, I already think of myself as a mother - I just need that little stick to give me the proof. So during these two weeks, why not show your support for a change? Why not get excited by the prospect that your friend will hopefully get her wish to be a mother? Let her talk about tiny baby clothes and baby names. Let her work out when the proposed due date will be, and how different types of exercise may actually help her to have a healthier pregnancy and more contented baby. Just let her talk as much and as often as she wants to - show her that you CARE. You know the saying 'if you don't have anything nice to say - don't say anything at all.' ever so true at this stage of a woman's life, if you can't be supportive and at least try and understand how she feels, then don't even bother. Bite your lip, and think of something original to say instead.

Remember what it was like when there was something you really wanted - so much that it was all you could think about? Now multiply that by about ten and you will understand how I feel right now. It is COMPLETELY NATURAL to be like this. My body tells me far more about whether I am ready to conceive or not than any Doctor or friend could. Yes, I may get concerned when I feel a strange twinge; is that ov pain or IBS? Or, when exactly did I ov? Will I get the implantation spotting or is that my period starting? These things are real to me right now, this is the first hurdle I have to get over - the getting pregnant hurdle. Being told that 'your flat is really too small to have a baby in' or 'wouldn't it be better to wait until you can afford it' are really not helpful comments to make. I know that when I get pregnant, then everything else will work out to help us. I know that we will be able to get a bigger place at some point - and if that means that the baby will be in this flat with us for a few months before we can move, then so be it - babies have survived in far smaller dwellings. As for being able to afford it - the great thing about being pregnant for nine months is that you can split the payments, you can save a bit each month for the essentials - you don't have to go and buy the whole lot in one go. What I hate is the fact that everyone is so concerned with how are we going to manage this? Or, why don't they just chill out over it? WHY won't you just be happy that we have decided that we want to become parents? Is that really so difficult for you? Why not focus on the fact that we will be having a beautiful baby, something that is so unique and individual that will only have our DNA and our characteristics - that nature is so amazing to create this for us? Focus on the positive not the negative, and try really hard to be as excited as we are about the prospect.

So for the next two weeks, just be patient with me, and think before you speak.

If you have read anything in this blog that you find offensive, my hormones are to blame - not me.

When did you forget to play?

Play - a word that you associate with children, not usually for adults. But why not? In every one of us there is an inner child that still gets excited when it starts snowing, or about the joys of Christmas. Do we really forget about all this when we become an adult?

I still don't really feel like an adult, I hit 30 last year and it was the worst birthday ever. I had a nice day, but I just didn't want to be 30. I kept thinking, now I have to act like a grown-up :o( It may be because I still have young siblings, the youngest being 12 this November, so I don't feel old enough to be an adult at all. I still get caught out when I hear a mother say 'mind that lady!' when their child accidentally walks in to me, or when someone calls me Mrs Whorlow - and I think they're talking about my mother-in-law :o)

I was a serious child, I took things to heart and too seriously. I was the eldest child, the responsible and conscientious one (hated that word, had it in every report I remember!). I was the one that the younger ones could look up to and follow examples led by me. If I wanted to do something silly, I was told to 'grow up and act your age'. This resulted in me being very shy, and I felt that I could never really be 'me' with anyone, not even my family. So instead I buried my nose into books, escaping to worlds where I could just be a child.

When my husband first suggested about building a sandcastle on the beach, I thought 'What if someone I know sees us?' which was really stupid. I quickly realised that finally I was being allowed to play and do daft things, and not care whether people thought I was too old for it or not. Because at the end of the day, it is good to have fun and to laugh in life. So the two of us every year when we go down to Cornwall, we build a big sandcastle on the beach, with a moat or two around it and then stand on top as the tide comes in, and the aim is to stay on for as long as possible until you get washed off, or the castle collapses. The great thing about this is that everytime we have done this, someone else has copied us. The first time, a group of children kept watching us, bemused - and then started to build their own, until we eventually had a competition going between us to see who could stay on the longest! Isn't it great to have that influence on kids - so that they too start to use their imagination to have fun?

The second time we did it, we saw another group of adults on the beach doing their own version - which was really great to see! So what if people think you're mad! I say 'It is better to be mad and happy than sane and boring!' :o) It doesn't matter whether you are 30 or going on 50, everyone should be able to have fun once in a while, I'm not saying that I don't have serious moments, I still have bills to sort out each month and debts to pay, but the trick is to keep the balance right, to mix fun into your life. Another saying of mine 'The less you play as you get older, the more wrinkles you get.' Did you know that it takes less facial muscles to smile than it does to frown? Did you know that on average an adult only smiles about 17 times a day, whereas a child smiles over a 100 times? Grow old gracefully and with less wrinkles and smile more whilst having fun :o) Don't become a BOF! (Boring Old Fart!) Unleash your inner child and start playing today!! :D

If you really feel you don't know where to start in order to have more fun in your life by playing more, here are some suggestions to get you started:

As we're approaching Autumn - go out for a country walk and 'crunch' all the dry leaves or splash in the puddles (splash your partner for even more fun and laughter!)

Build a sandcastle - or a snowman (depending on the weather)

Put on your favourite music and sing and dance to your hearts content! (no one's watching you so go for it!)

Go out and play frisbee in the park - or even better, go feed the ducks!
(We took my mother-in-law to Henley-on-Thames for the day this summer for a nice walk, and she was really surprised when I handed her a bag of bread to feed the ducks with - she said she hadn't done that in over 20 years!!! AND she had a great time :D Think of the hungry ducks this winter :o))

Go to a funfair and spend time on the dodgems! Great fun!! :D

Ok, now it's your turn to think of some of your own, or to start on these!


One thing that my mother said to me this summer, that was the best thing she could have said this year, when we told her about us building our sandcastle; 'You two are definately ready to have children!' I took that as a compliment, what do you think? :o)

Nature's Way

A strange thing happened after the miscarriage, I suddenly went off the idea of having a baby. It wasn't that I didn't want a baby anymore, it was just that I wanted a break from everything. When I went out I didn't feel 'drawn' to peeking into pushchairs to see how cute the baby was, or even looking at pushchairs full stop, I just wasn't interested at all - which was really quite a strange feeling. I put it down to the fact that maybe I was still grieving, or that I had let go far more than I thought was possible. It only lasted for about six weeks - and looking back I realise that it was just one of those things that happen in life. I was feeling a bit messed up personally - didn't know what I wanted to do in my life or where I wanted to be, and I realised that this was nature's way of giving me a break until I sorted myself out. It worked, I managed to sort things out mentally and just step back from work and really look at what I wanted to achieve in this life, and what steps to take first.

One thing that really helped was that my husband never gave up on me. He was there behind the scenes confident that I would 'snap out of it', which I did of course - wouldn't be sitting here now if I hadn't. I realised how much I really love my husband and why we got married in the first place and that most of all - the really important thing in my life was that we shared how we felt and talked more. It's one of those age old solutions isn't it? But how many of us really listen to the advice and act upon it? Luckily I did, and our relationship has been the strongest it has ever been so far in our relationship, and I will be eternally grateful that he didn't give up on me during that time.

It wasn't long after that, that I became 'baby mad' again :o) Not in a really mad way this time though, but just being more spontaneous about it. Hubby and I went away for more weekends camping in the summer, met up with old friends and family - did mad things on the beach: our favourite pastime whilst on holiday is to build a HUGE sandcastle with a moat or two around it and then wait for the tide to come in and wash us off :D It is great fun, and you get to act like a kid again which is never a bad thing which brings me to my next blog post ....