Failure to launch

The worst part when trying for a baby, is the feeling that you've failed as a woman. For some unknown reason, I seem to be able to conceive, I even manage to get as far as implantation, but after that... for some reason it all goes pearshaped and I miscarry instead.

Last month when I was convinced I was pregnant, I think it was very likely that I was. I think I had another miscarriage. I knew the exact moment I conceived, and I had implantation spotting about seven days after conception. I got all the same symptoms of pregnancy I had last time I was pregnant, and then it was all over too quickly again.

I feel like a failure, I feel that I'm not a 'real' woman if I can't carry a baby full term. I'm on the dreaded two week wait again, but I'm not feeling at all hopeful this month. I feel that I have let go of the outcome this month, handed it over to God and the Angels to take care of, I thought that if I did that then I would feel less stressed about it, but instead I feel even more down - and I can't stop crying.

People keep saying that I should let go of the situation and then it will happen when it's meant to. They also say I should stay positive as miracles are possible. But how can I stay positive and let go of the outcome at the same time? If I start thinking positively about it, I start getting my hopes up, once that happens I find it's even harder to fall when it doesn't happen yet again. On the other hand if I let go of the outcome and leave it to happen on it's own, I lose hope completely, and seriously wonder if I will ever be a mother.

I feel I can't talk about this to my friends and family, as I don't want to keep going on about it - and boring them. Some of my friends say I'm getting obsessed with getting pregnant. Well guess what? THAT'S WHAT WOMEN LIKE ME DO! We get obsessed, we get heartbroken every month when our period starts instead of having a positive test, we try not to get obsessed, to not think about it - but it's impossible, because wherever we go there is a baby in a pram, or a lady who is heavily pregnant and it just brings it all home to us that we're not.

One reason why I'm finding it more difficult at the moment is that Christmas is approaching, the decorations are up in most of the shops, the Christmas catalogues are out, but I don't want to think about Christmas, because when I do I remember that my baby was due on 27th December, I thought I was going to have a Christmas baby, but no, not this time.

I try and function normally, but I am so tired at the moment - why is this so difficult? I don't know what I'm meant to do, I'm trying not think about it, I'm keeping myself busy so that I don't think about where I am in my cycle, so that I don't think about the fact that my period may be due soon. I started to use progesterone cream last week, on the offchance that if by a miracle I am pregnant this month, that the extra progesterone would help the egg to implant and stay implanted, as I think that I may have a deficiency in progesterone and that's why the egg un-implants each month. So, keep all your fingers and toes crossed for me and pray that I get the result I want this month. I'm off to get another box of tissues ...

It's Not Fair!

Yes, I'm going to act like a child and stamp my feet on this one. If I had the energy I would probably throw a tantrum too - but I don't, so I'll leave that for now.

As you can probably guess, my period came today - a day early, just to add insult to injury.

What am I doing wrong? Is there something that isn't right in my life to make the baby not want to come to me? It's so heartbreaking to go through this every month, I try and do everything right, I watch what I eat; I take my prenatal vitamins; Baby Dance (think about it) on the right days of the cycle, and then wait - for what? To be disappointed once again.

I feel that I want to scream in grief. That's what it feels like, grief - for the baby that hasn't come. I feel that my heart has been ripped out for no reason whatsoever.

I had so many signs this month that it was going to be ok - my angels kept telling me to stay positive, I had an aura reading where the lady said she saw Archangel Michael handing me a baby, I'm seeing signs of birth everywhere - even yesterday on Dartmoor I saw a cow giving birth to her calf, which was amazing, she had no help she just did it and the calf looked healthy and was feeding well. I thought it was a sign that I would have a baby soon. Not to be though.

I want to go to the top of a big hill and just scream WHY! Why is it that people who don't want children, who even try and prevent having children get pregnant so easily by mistake, but those of us who really want a baby more than anything else have to wait so long? Why is nature so cruel like that?

I feel that I don't even want to tell my friends, don't want to hear their sympathy, the words 'it will happen one day - don't worry', don't help me.

Got to try and stay positive somehow, even if I don't feel it at the moment. It's the beginning of a new cycle, maybe this one will give me my wish. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Patience? What patience?

The two week wait is almost over - only three days to go! I have been SO patient, making sure I don't test too soon. But, today I buckled and caved in to temptation, I know - it was too early - but, the tests I have are supersensitive and on the instruction leaflet (which I should know off by heart by now!) it says you can test as early as 7-10 days after conception. Well it was 10 days today, and I couldn't resist. What happened was that this ever so faint second line showed up on the test. I am actually feeling quite calm about it, I'm not taking it for granted (yet!) and I also can't guarantee that I won't test again tomorrow. Did you know that the HCG levels double each day from conception until proposed period is due? It is handy reading these instruction leaflets occasionally, you can actually learn something :o) So, on that note I am hoping that if (when) I test tomorrow then double the HCG will be present which means I shall get a stronger reading. Ah, positive thinking, you can't beat it! I FEEL pregnant. I have this horrible bitter taste in my mouth (which I had last time I was pregnant) food is tasting different, though funnily enough the only food that tastes different is the food I should be cutting down on; Boost chocolate bars, jammy dodgers, even prawn cocktail crisps tasted off today! Grapes on the other hand are yummy :o) Had that as a craving last time too (my mother said she had the same when she was pregnant with me!) and I can't seem to get enough marmite each day - though not too strong, made that mistake earlier - made my eyes water! :D

Not really feeling queasy as such, think that any queasy feelings I'm having are more down to nerves about the tests rather than actually being pregnant. I almost couldn't look earlier when I was doing the test, was really nervous that it would be negative - while at the same time telling myself, if it is negative it's because you've tested too early - there's still time!

Matthew is sure that I am pregnant due to the fact that we are part of the way through October and I haven't turned the heating on yet! Usually as soon as it's officially Autumn, on comes the heating! Truth is that I have been feeling really hot lately, especially at night, keep kicking off the duvet feeling that maybe I've got early menopause rather than early pregnancy symptoms, isn't it cruel how nature gives you the same symptoms no matter what stage of womanhood you are?

Plus I keep falling asleep. Now this isn't unusual for me really as I have had M.E. for the past twelve years, but the M.E. is practically cured and my energy levels have been amazing this past year, until the last two weeks that is, where without fail every afternoon around 4.30pm I fall asleep if I'm at home. I think to myself, I'll just relax for a bit, maybe have a short nap then I'll feel better. Then next thing I know is that three hours have passed and Matthew is home from work. Really, nothing is getting done this week! Also I'm having strange dreams during these 'naps'. Today I dreamt of finding two magpies, I thought (during the dream) that's cool - that means two for joy, excellent! Then I saw three eggs in the magpies' nest and then woke up as Matthew walked through the door. I told Matthew about the dream and he said 'what does three symbolise with Magpies?' and I said 'three for a girl'. He's getting smarter than me with this intuition thing, I saw it as maybe I'm having three babies, but no, I think he got it more than I did, maybe the dream is telling me that joy is coming to my life with the pregnancy of my little girl. What do you think? Only time will tell :o)

Well, I'm off to bed now - the annoying thing about having these naps is that I end up wide awake late in the evening and end up going to bed in the early hours of the morning instead, no wonder my sleeping pattern has gone crazy (that and the fact that my cat has learnt how to turn the hifi on at 4am! The other day Matthew thought he was late for work as it usually comes on at 8am and he has to leave at 7am! Bit of a panic, but ok in the end - still managed to wake me up too though :o( )

So, hopefully my next post will have some good news - I will keep you posted :o)